Now Wash Your Hands
Solo art installation and performance, Oosterbeek, NL, 2008.
Including, A0 posters, two video works, postcards, badges, cut vinyl, t-shirts, paintings, poetry, a live electric fence.
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Oh heavenly detergent
Lend me the purity of thy ashen suds
For I have sinned;Behold my filthy palm
bare and sulphurous
Outstretch'd for your forgiving scour
The grime of humanity is upon it;And none shall know lightly of my penitence
Of my body rendered in blood
abraded in beads of joy;Sprake unto the people my sins herein:
That I coveted sausages, golden brown
meaty thick ones;
That I sprake the language of filth
Unto a maiden who was pure of heart;
And performed "acts" unto and of her
Out of wedlock;
That little less that four and twenty hours hence
And upon the Sabbath,
I begat such a monster unto the convenience
That I curs'd the embers of my scorched hole;
And for fear of plague
Disallowed the touch of infants and infirmity;
That I wantonly sloth'd upon the surfaces of Man
And his kin;
That had been constructed so as to provide
Strength of spirit through absent design;
And upon my discovery made refusals
As to my imminent departure;
That I wholeheartedly ignor'd the commandments;
Have ignor'd social requests concerning my odours;
Have an absent morality
And moreover, oppose such philosophies;
That I am work-shy and unwholesome
And yearn only for the ugly and wretched;
That my nails are dirty, my hair is greasy
My mind is of the foulest contaminate;
That I am dirt and am borne of the earth;
A stubborn satanic compost
Un-shiftable by masking fragrance;
Unlabelled and unafraid;
For this I know your wrath is great, your justice swift;
And unto me it will be it's own plague;
An elixir of rebirth and untold silent joys
To wash away my guilts;Bless'd and holy Lord
Forgive me my wrongdoing;
Let me sleep upon your breast
And bathe in your emerald waters;
For I am but a lamb of darkness
And this world is not my time.Amen.
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Ladies and Gentlemen -
A short announcement before we proceed with the cooking of the egg:
Due to health and safety, it is no longer possible to cook the egg. This is due to the unsafe nature of eggs and high levels of risk involved in the cooking thereof.
Furthermore, we would also like to take this opportunity to disassociate ourselves from the act about to take place and any future involvement with egg-eating or associated activity. Nor do we endorse or recommend the eating of eggs by our patrons or their associates without the supervision of a qualified adult.
However, to avoid disappointment we have arranged a substitute, which, we are sure you will all agree, will be more than satisfactory and whilst remaining perfectly safe, will no doubt give each and every one of our patrons both an accurate and informative experience.
[pause]
We would like to sincerely apologise to our patrons for any inconvenience caused. Thank you and now on with the main act.
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I am hungry
I am hungry for an egg
I have an egg here
Here is my egg
The egg of a chicken
But let us not think from whence it came
Let us think instead of egg
Egg sandwich
or perhaps, devilled
But let us not think of the devil, but of egg
And not just any old egg
But this one
This lovely brown egg
This lovely brown, golden yolky egg
This is The Egg, the egg of my tea
And unto the pan of boiling water
It may be dipped
And be it runny or hard
The Egg, oh The Egg
How it sustains me!
And so it begins
Plop!
Here the pan, the water, the salt
The heat the heat!
Burning! How it burns!
But the egg, it is safe
A healthy egg is a safe egg
And for six minutes it swims
And for six minutes
All the germs within it are obliterated
And all the white turns whiter
The whiter than white whites
A healthy source of calcium
And never mind from whence it came
For to dwell is to remain emaciated
And wholly, unwholesomely uncivilised
Which is, after all, not why we're all here
We are here Ladies and Gentlemen
To partake in a dinner of egg
Of this egg
Safely, cleanly and with keen observance
Of all the applicable laws
All the paper work complete
Dotted T's and crossed eyes,
But never mind - move on
The egg's what matters
The egg is why we're here
Almost done now, almost there
Mustn't grumble or look back
Must look forward
Think of the egg
Think of what it must be going through
And voila!
The perfect egg
Creamy and full of goodness
Crack crack goes my spoon
Peel off the calcium rich crust
Dip dip dip in go the soldiers one by one
And mmm, eggy and perfect
Safe, clean, wholesome egg
Just like in the olden days
Just like grandmother's eggs
Dear old gumpy gan
Down the hatch
Munch munch munch
Chewing now
Get the bits out
And... swallow
There, happy old me eh?
And on I go, second time's the best
Dip dap
in it goes and... mmm delicious
Well... Ladies and Gentlemen...
That's about it
Thanks very much
Thoroughly recommended, really. -
Ladies and Gentlemen -
Thank you for listening to this performance of "I'm hungry for an egg", by Graeme Walker. We would like to remind you that the sale, handling out of and distribution of balloons in either a flaccid or proud state is strictly forbidden. If you see any balloon related activity throughout today's entertainments please contact a supervisor immediately, who will, in turn, contact the police. Please remember to be prompt and to give your full name, address, marital status and sexual preference to the supervisor, who will duly take it down in triplicate, providing you with a yellow receipt. In the absence of a supervisor, please contact the police immediately.
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Please note that mobile phones are prohibited whilst in the auditorium. If you do have to contact the police, please leave the building by the nearest exit and either walk to the police station to make your report, or use a public telephone. Please don't run! You are all responsible adults now and should be able to look after yourselves. Take responsibility for your actions.
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and they said to me
You can't come in here like that
So I looked myself up and down and said
Like what? because I didn't see what was wrong.
It's our new policy, they said and held up their hands.
The hands said "Stop"I looked at their hands, all white-wash scrubbed
And bitten
Well what's the problem? All I need is some milk
We do not allow your sort in here they said.The hands pointed to my face
Which made me blush
Partly in exception to the fingers
Manicured in their judgement
With tips like stern faces.But Your Honour, I contested, then Fuck it then and your milk
And I left the contemptuous hands
Triggering at bleak blue bottles
Of household spray
The owners gasping the sour effluvium
Like normal air had choked themI caught the sound of one at my back
My goodness what a stink!
The Germs, the viruses matted a trillion thick
into the recesses of his folded clefts
A quagmire of impasto foulness
Begotten from sloth and abandoned desolation
How the disregard for oneself is the disregard for all.My heels turned
I don't believe in germs! I criedAnd at home in the shower, I was cleansed of
Their grim odour
Redolent of preserving fluids
And the hands of metal workers
Sinking into the hole with the barest of my particlesTo follow it...
And all for milk, bleak, white, pasteurised, homogenised
Germ free milk.
